Pain

I love to be comfortable. I love my comfy Steeler blanket and my fuzzy socks. However, I've been thinking lately a lot about risk and facing things out of my comfort zone. I want change in my life, but I don't seem to want to be uncomfortable to get that change. I want change to be easy. Guess what? It's not. It cost something. I have to be willing to be honest about my weaknesses. I have to be willing to look at areas in my life that aren't pretty. I have to be willing to hurt. And, when it starts hurting, I need to not run away. A friend of mine said this to me, "Learn the difference between waiting and walking away." Many times I just want to walk away. There are times in my life when walking way was the painful thing I needed to do. But, I think there are times I need to just wait~ feel the pain or disappointment. Let God into that pain. I read this yesterday: My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

I can surrender my weakness over to God. He will glorify Himself in it. He is with me in my weakness. Will the pain leave? Not always. I believe He allows us to feel our weaknesses and pain to bring us to our knees at His feet. We exchange our strength for His. He won't always take the pain away, but He will meet us there in that pain. Paul said in II Corinthians, "And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." The problem with us (I mean me) is I don't want to be weak. I don't want to be vulnerable. I don't want to put myself out there. I DON'T WANT TO HURT AGAIN. But, you know what I'm finding? Every. Single. Time. God is there. He is right there with me saying, "Yes, you can can! You can do all things through Me who strengthens you." You can hurt and get up and keep loving. Keep living. Keep giving. Because it's no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me. I'm moving from glory to glory. Painfully. Dying each step of the way.

The funny thing is it's good! Pain with purpose. God doesn't allow pain because He wants to see us hurting. He allows it because it's part of life that can't be avoided. We live in a fallen world. We are sinful people. He told us that in this life we will have many trials but to be of good cheer for He has overcome the world. Hope! He wants us to experiences Him~His life in the midst of this fallen world. He wants us to surrender our life for His. The more we let go, the more He can live that life through us. James 1 says this:

You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you can become mature and well-developed, not deficient in anyway.

Let the pain and pressure do it's work in you. Don't run from it. God is right there. Let go and let Him do the work in you. Don't try and do it yourself. Trust Him to meet you in the pain.

Warning: Ugly Blog Ahead!

I'm reading a book that I really like. In this book the author talked about how Denmark was reported to be the happiest country in the world. Why? Because they have the lowest expectations. I guess if you don't have expectation then you can't be disappointed. I haven't figured out how to live without expectations. I do get disappointed. In myself and in others. Right now my heart feels like it is in tiny pieces. I feel like I don't want to keep hoping that things are going to be different. That I'm going to be different. I feel like right now I don't want to try again. I don't want to hope or expect that anything is going to change. Right now I'm so sick of church. I don't care if it's cool to say that right now. I'm not saying it to be cool. I'm saying it because I'm sick of church and the people who go and those who used to go and don't go anymore. That means I'm sick of myself too. I'm sick of the talk, talk, talk about change and community and being real. Get real!

Jaymes Reunion - Fine
From the album Everything You’ve Been Looking For

Hello my friend, can you teach me how to breathe again,
can you teach me how to love, can you give me a life?
The problem begins, when I add it up and count again,
I’m losing every fight, and I need some answers
maybe its alright, and I’m gonna land it

Chorus:
You’ve never really loved, until you’ve watched it fall apart
You’ve never really lived, until you felt like you could die
You've never really stood, until the weight has pushed you over
You’re picking up the pieces just to find, your doing just fine

I’m scared to death, that I’ll never find the me that’s best
Every story’s been told, I feel like a loser
All these wounds are getting old, so I’m gonnna land it

Chorus:

Oh, I’m spinning out of control, looking up as I fall,
The colors they blur around me
Oh, I’ve cut up my heart again, this freedom is nothing but sin
I know you know me better, so make it better

I’ve never really loved, until I watched it fall apart
And I never really lived, until I saw that I was dead
And I never really stood, until the weight had pushed me over
I'm picking up the pieces just to find, everythings fine

Chorus:

It really will be okay. I think so much of what I hang onto is such a false sense of security anyways. It's also a lot of self preservation. I don't want to risk looking foolish, needy, unwise, or immature. I also don't want to risk hurt or rejection. What happens when we stop risking though? For me, I just get stuck. Stuck in a rut. I get lonely. I also get really sick of myself.

Jesus tells us in giving away our life, we find life. In dying, we live. In giving, we receive. In forgiving, we are forgiven. In loving, we our loved. When we hang onto our life, we lose it. We just get stuck. Or, at least I do. I talk a lot about how I want my life to be. I hope and dream about having a full life of loving others. Part of me really wants that. Part of me is scared to reach out to others. What am I afraid of? Rejecting, I guess. Or being uncomfortable. Having people invade my comfy space. That comfy space I'm trying to hang onto that just gets me in a rut. I don't want to miss out on all that God has for me. I'm tired of being someone who talks about loving others. I'm going to start taking risks. Really I am! Stay tunes. ;o)

Risk Anyone?

To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself.

Freedom

About three years ago God whispered something to me that has echoed in my spirit ever since I heard it. "Walk free," He said. I looked around me and within me and gave him all the reason why I couldn't. His reply to all my reasons was, "Walk free." It's been a journey the past 24 years since I asked Jesus to be Lord of my life. A journey of freedom. I've been bound by fears, doubts, and insecurities for most my life. It's been a daily struggle. I get tired. God tells me, "Walk free." I'm actual beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm a slow learner. I can finally really see who He has called me to be. I'm finally really letting the chains fall. My head is high and I am walking free. Who am I? I am His child. I am fully loved. Completely accepted. Completely forgiven. Completely set free.

Once I was broken, now I am restored. Once I was sad, now I can rejoice. Once I was afraid, now I have confidence. Once my hands hung down, now my hands are raised to Him. Once I felt usless, now I am worthy. He has given me Life. A life to walk out in freedom.

Isaiah 61 tells me what to do as I walk:

The Spirit of the Lord is on me because He has anoited me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me to announce the year of His grace, and to comfort all who mourn. To care for those in need. To bring a message of joy instead of doom. To encourage those who are discouraged.

Walk free and bring freedom to others. What a wonderful message God speaks. Walk free.

I love trees. God tells us we are trees of righteousness. In Isaiah 61:3 it says, To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. Our healing, our growth, our joy, our praise is all to give Him glory. Our lives are to be walked out to give God the glory. How am I walking? Am I glorifying God in my life. Am I walking in truth, mercy, justice? Micah 6:8 says:

He has showed you, O man, what is good.

And what does the LORD require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God.

So simply. Yet I fall short daily. I want my heart to break for what breaks God's heart. I want to have the courage to stand up for truth in the midst of opposition. I want to show mercy to those who need mercy. I don't want to turn my head away from those who make me uncomfortable. Because, truly, that's where I find Jesus. He is with the broken hearted, the sick, the poor, the needy, the oppressed. He is there wanting to give them joy, healing, praise, and beauty. He gave it to me. He wants me to give out what He has given to me. He did this work in me so that He can be glorified. The world needs to see Him. How can they see him? Through us. Through me. Through you. Don't let fear stop you. Take courage. He is with you every step of the way. Face what is before you with confidence that He is with you.

We are trees planted by water. God is our living water. Psalms 1:3 says:

And he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper.

God is with you. His life sustains us. So that He can be glorified.